Somebody Stop That Woman!

Okay, bear with me boys'n girls while I go off in this blog and try to stop a complete stranger from ruining her life. You think I'm joking. But I'm not kidding.

Here's the story:

A few months ago I was talking to a friend about another friend (THE WOMAN!) who was going to quit her $50,000+ a-year teaching job with-benefits to follow her dream of writing a book. Okay, I get "dreams" and "visions" and the "not-getting-any-younger" existential hungers that can lead people to take risks and jump ship into other careers. Hells bells, I'm a freakin' pastor and I get that, I really do! And besides, my wife has switched careers so many times in the past twenty-five years that I can't hardly remember what her job is NOW . . . but when my friend told me about this woman who was quitting her job to follow a dream of making a living as a writer, I literally screamed: "Stop That Woman!"

As I turns out, this woman had always had a "dream" of writing a book about chocolate. Okay, I get the chocolate thing, too. I really do. Love it. But something in the deepest recesses of my gut told me that this woman was following a "dream" and was not basing her decision upon anything "real", "researched" or "well-documented." Her dream, which is the same freakin-fallacy that so many people follow whenever they hear the word "book" is this: I'm gonna make a living writing a book about chocolate and I'm going to be wealthy, famous and secure--preferably all at the same time.

But here are the facts folks . . . and any writer worth his or her salt would scream this same litany of truths at the top of the lungs to Stop This Woman! from making a very big mistake.

Fact #1: There were 300,000 new books published in the U.S. in 2009 (and I published three of 'em). Read that 300,000 number again, boys'n girls and try to comprehend it. Then proceed to fact #2 (but only after you've really grasped fact # 1).

Fact # 2: 90% of all books published in the U.S. each year make NO MONEY for either the publisher or the writer! Do you hear me now, woman? Can you comprehend this? Have you done your homework? Have you really researched the life of a writer? Do you really know how publishing works? Do you understand how books are produced? Whose gonna buy your book about chocolate?

Fact #3: To make the equivalent of a $50,000 per year teacher salary (plus benefits) a book writer is going to have to be in the top 1% of all writers in the world (in the world, honey!). That book on chocolate is going to have to sell at least 50,000 copies per year, every year, year-after-year, for the author to reap that kind of a windfall in royalties. Or, that woman is going to have to have the most successful book on chocolate in the history of human civilization.

Fact #4: The odds of any of this happening are so minuscule, sweetheart, you might as well take your $50,000 a year salary, load it into a slot machine at Rising Sun, and pull the lever once.

Please, for the love of humanity. Somebody stop that woman!