Last week our lawyer hand delivered the Last Will and Testament that my wife and I plan to sign, giving direction to our vast estate and land holdings as well as our twenty-five year old Tupperware set (burp less). We've now had a chance to read over the Will and we only have one question:
Who was the idiot who created this "legal language" and why, in the name of Crab-apple Cove (M*A*S*H*) do we continue to use this god-forsaken method of writing incoherent legal babble?
Believe me, I could write more coherent sentences in my sleep . . . and this after I have quaffed two quarts of Johnny Walker red (if I were so inclined to drink hard liquor). I don't know law, and I certainly don't have any designs on being a lawyer, but I have to wonder . . . do they teach English in law school?
After reading our Will, and picking up on words like "Executrix", my wife thought our will sounded too sexy. I, on the other hand, kept looking for any pick up lines I could use. I've tried talking in a baritone and asking my wife if she wanted to be a "party of the first part" and "execute" certain moves upstairs, but she told me that I needed two unrelated signatories and a Notary Public if she was going to go that far with me. I'm checking with my lawyer now to see what my next course of action might be. He's suggesting I sue for "breach of promise", but actually, my wife has never promised me anything, not even on our wedding night, and I brought my lawyer along to the hotel for that gig, too.
I don't understand legal language. I'm a straight talker . . . or I try to be. I just tell my wife what I want (licorice, donuts, nookie twice a year) and she usually fills a cart at Wal-Mart or tells me she has a headache. I'm not built for communicating with my children and (someday?) grand-children about my demise. Our Will is set up so that, in the event that my wife and I die simultaneously in a buffalo stampede or are hit by a meteorite, our children inherit everything and split the junk cars 50-50. If I go first (which I won't), my wife gets everything, including my underwear and sock drawer. If she goes first (which she will), I get it all, including my wife's jewelry, which I purchased on birthdays and anniversaries, and which I will sell quickly at a Pawn Shop in Speedway for the down-payment on my second wife's engagement ring.
All of this is in the Will somewhere . . . I'm sure of it. I just have to figure out how to interpret it.