My Funniest Book Signing

Some years back, when I was young, thin, and a snappy dresser, I had a book signing in a mall bookstore (Borders, Waldens, Barnes & Noble . . . I don't recall). Becky accompanied me on that little run and, while I was signing books inside the doorway, she happened to be sitting outside the bookstore on one of those mall benches. Shortly, two women also sat down next to her and began talking. Becky could overhear their conversation.

The younger of the two women looked up and happened to notice me sitting in the bookstore at my little author's table. "Oh, look, mom!" she said. "There's a guy in there signing books. Let's go meet him."

The older woman didn't say anything right away, she just looked at me. Studied me. Sized me up. You get the picture.

Eventually the daughter spoke again, "Come on, let's go in there and meet him."

"No, I don't think so," the older woman said.

"Why, mom? What's wrong?"

"Take a good look at him," the old woman said. "Can't you tell that he's gay?"

Now, Becky said she started laughing so hard, she almost spit her diet Coke onto the mall aisle. The younger woman studied me more closely and then said, "Yeah, I see what you mean. He's gay all right." The two women rose from the bench and left in disgust.

I love this story. It's my favorite book signing episode. I remind my wife about it every time we have a little hanky-panky. I raise my pinkie in the air and ask her if I can sign a book. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!--Seinfeld, circa. 1995)