Columnist

For the past seven years I've written a column for our Indiana area newspaper (title: Together) of the United Methodist Church. And every year I wonder, will the powers that be want me to continue writing the column, do people read it, and is there someone out there who can do it better?

It's an odd assortment of questions, particularly since the column (or, actually, my photo in the paper) elicits any number of questions, raised eyebrows, and comments like: "Hey, aren't you that guy who writes that little ditty in the paper?"

But there are still many misunderstandings about my columnist status . . . particularly among my fellow clergy, and so I set the record straight here with this mock interview.

Q: How the heck did you merit the privilege of writing a column when that's what I've wanted to do my whole life (and I'm going to kill myself if I don't get to write one of those columns before I die)?

A: I was asked to write it.

Q: How much longer are you going to be allowed to write the column?
A: Until the bishop dies.

Q: Where do you get your ideas? Does the editor tell you what to write?

A: Sometimes the editor does ask for a column on a particular subject. But most of the time I get my ideas from my wife, who tells me what to think about all subjects. And/or I find these ideas in Crackerjack boxes or at the bottom of pickle jars.

Q: How long does it take you to write one of your columns?

A: Five minutes (if I'm having a good day typing) . . . or an hour (if I'm dictating what my wife wants me to say or if we are engaged in other fun aerobic activity).

Q: You think you're so important don't you, writing this column?

A: Sure. Wouldn't you? Everywhere I go, people kneel before me and kiss my shoe laces.

Q: What are you going to write about next month?

A: I've been working on a couple of ideas, but they are so top secret, and of such vital importance to the future of our annual conference, I'd have to stab you with my John Wesley letter opener if I revealed them.

Q: When are you stepping down, so I can write the column?

A: Ask my wife.