Hot in Cleveland . . . Er, Brownsburg

Although this summer has been unseasonably dry, I've had an amply supply of radio of late.  Radio seems to come in waves . . . with various producers and talk show hosts writing and calling to set up dates for interviews.

Why they want to interview me I'll never know, but I've been hotter than Betty White this summer.  And this isn't Cleveland.  Most producers want me to talk about weddings and marriage and love . . . which are of course, three entirely different things.  I try to tell 'em.

I've got my history with weddings and marriage, of course.  Not only have I written a perennial "best-selling" book on marriage conversation (Before You Say "I Do"), but I've also written a book on debt-free wedding planning (Your Beautiful Wedding On Any Budget) and a host of articles and columns on marriage and love.  I once wrote a marriage and sex column for a bridal magazine back when I knew something about marriage and sex.  Now, when it comes to these matters, I just throw up my hands and plead ignorance like Shultz on Hogan's Heroes:  "I know nussing!"

Still, the producers call.  "How about ten minutes of drive-time interview on making your marriage last?" or "What can you tell us about the keys to a successful marriage?"

Of course, I have to keep my expert-persona intact and come across like a marital guru . . . but the fact is, my marriage works because I stay out of my wife's way.  I don't bug her, man.  She don't bug me.  We got it all goin' on.  In a couple of weeks, when we celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary, we won't even bother to acknowledge the milestone.  One of us will probably shrug at some point that evening and say, "Hey, isn't this our wedding anniversary?  Why are we sitting her watching a Gomer Pyle rerun when we could be upstairs conjugating and parsing each other?"  Of course, we'll be too tired for these shenanigans and I'll write another column on "ten ways to spice up your love life" after taking a cold shower and reading three chapters in Dante and his fifth circle of hell.

I am, of course, appreciative of these opportunities to share my marital expertise with others.  I do enjoy helping other couples . . . especially the young, the naive, the ignorant, and the unsuspecting.  (Lord knows I'm going to be having long talks with my daughter!) I'm always glad when I can talk a couple down out of their wedding-planning tree and help them see the stark realities of life.  Sure, they can get married.  It can be a beautiful institution when it's the right mixture of oil and gas . . . .

Just don't strike a match at the wrong time.  Don't want to make things too hot.  Right, Betty?