The "Yes" Factors

Now that I've said "No" to these radio show hosts, I thought it might be expedient to also include a word about those factors what might win me over. How could a host, for example, get me to say "Yes" to an interview?

Any of the following would probably work:

Two pounds of black licorice

In fact, instead of participating in the interviews for free, a little licorice would make a difference, and two pounds of the Twizzler variety isn't going to break any producer's budget.

Donuts on the set

Yes, if the host would promise me that we could eat donuts while we discussed various topics, I might consider it, especially if coconut or pecans were baked into some of the pastries. I'd only do radio in this manner, however, as I wouldn't want to spit nuts into the camera.

Correct pronunciation of my name

This would be nice. I'll say yes to anyone who can offer up decent renderings of any of the following acceptable derivations of my ancestral nomenclature:

Alleycat

Outhorse

Outcast

Outhouse

Outcourse

A Barnes & Noble Gift card

This might be a clincher. If a producer called me, say, tomorrow and said, "We really need a guest like you on our show and we hear you like to read. How about we send you a B&N card good at any participating store (or at any 7-11) and we'll seal the deal?" If a producer said this, I'd probably bite.

The more I think about, I'm sure there would be other deal-makers, but most of these would involve clipping my toenails or showing me how to can fresh tomatoes in a pressure-cooker. I doubt there are any shows out there that are going to go that far.

Unless, of course, we're talking about Iron Chef. But that's another story.