This past week, I've had two requests for radio interviews. I don't know why. And I don't know why they bother. And yet, I can't help but wonder how these interviews would turn out if these hosts would ask me the important questions. I'm still waiting for the day.
Welcome to W-BLZ, Mr. Alleycat . . . let's get right to it: why would anyone want to listen to what you have to say, and why, quite frankly, should we care?
They shouldn't, Al. And for the love of Taco Bell, I can't understand why you wanted me on your crummy show. Why do people crave the limelight, Al? Why can't they admit, like me, that they are losers and don't have the answers to life?
Well said, Mr. Alleycat . . . but the fact is, you are on the show and you need to say something that will spike our ratings and encourage our corporate sponsors to chuck in another mil. Do you have the answers to ANYTHING?
I can still make love to my wife twice a year, with her permission (all I need is four and a half minutes!), and I can still beat anyone on Rock-Em, Sock-Em Robots. Oh . . . and if someone needs to know how a donut is made, I've got a fairly good idea.
You're a card, mister! But honestly, isn't it a bitch coming on shows like this and baring your soul to millions of Americans (and two old farts in Lithuania)?
I don't have a soul to bare, Al. I lost my soul in the Cranberry Juice Cocktail aisle at Kroger some years back and I've been trying to recover it by helping other people find God.
We've heard of HIM! But let's talk more about YOU. Any regrets?
Plenty. You might not believe this, Al, but if I'd played my cards differently as a young man, I could have been that guy who announced the groups on American Bandstand. I could have had all the chicks in the hotpants. Instead, I just settled. A wife and two kids later and look at me now.
Actually . . . this is radio. We can't see you! What do you look like?
Got any pictures of Rock Hudson? Any photos of that dude that sells the ShamWows? I'm sort of a cross between the two, only with bigger calves.
Finally . . . anything you'd like to tell our faithful listeners about your next book? We know they won't buy a copy, but it never hurts to put in a self-promoting plug like all these politicians do.
Right. Well, I'm working on a book about tourniquets. I think everyone should know how to make one, and should have five or six tourniquets lying around the house (in case you need one). Did you know that thousands of people die each year in tourniquet-related accidents and that their deaths could have been prevented if only they'd had a hankie? I carry a tourniquet in the glove compartment of my car. I keep one in my briefcase. And believe it or not, I'm wearing one on my left thigh right now, too . . . just in case. I keep it loose and only tighten it up if it's needed. My wife may poison me. She may shoot me. But I'll never bleed to death. And finally, I'll close by saying that I'm writing a book about the phrase, "The End". You'd be surprised how many people have never heard of this phrase. Kind of like this interview. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?