I'll Be Your Valentine

It's no secret that Hallmark Inc. invented many of our so-called "holidays", including this idiotic Valentine's day on Saturday. Now, I have for years refused to buy my wife a ten dollar card and feed the Hallmark coffers, but I do write her an original poem each year expressing my love and devotion. I'll be giving her this poem on Saturday. I do invite other men who feel the same to borrow my sentiments and pass this along to your wives. (Sure, you can give me credit as the author!) Go ahead. I double-dog dare ya!! No, make that a triple-dare!!!!!

I’ll Be Your Valentine

If you don’t ask for dinner
(Since you need to be thinner)
Or don’t try to drop me some line,
And you don’t ask for boxes
Of nougaty chocolates
Then I’ll be your valentine.

If you don’t ask for kisses
(Since you’re still my missus)
And you don’t expect romance sublime,
If you’ll just be a homer
And watch reruns of Gomer
Then I’ll be your valentine.

If you don’t ask for food
Or if I’m in the mood,
And don’t expect dancing or wine,
And you don’t expect honey
Since I ain’t spent no money
Then I’ll be your valentine.

If you don’t expect bed
Like the night that we wed
And you don’t have to have it this time,
If you just don’t cave in
To this pop Hallmark sin,
Then I’ll be your valentine.

If you forgo the showers
Of red, rosy flowers
And don’t ask me to whisper, “Be mine!”
Then we’ll spend a night
In this pale, cheap moonlight
And I’ll be your valentine.

And finally, don’t fear,
I still love you, dear.
That’s why I’ve written this rhyme.
Just to prove that I’m true
And it’s all about YOU.
And that I’m still your valentine.

(Final note from Todd: I will be taking my wife to a nice dinner on Saturday, and will complement this with roses and a huge box of chocolates sure to fatten her thighs. What do you think I am, some kind of an idiot? I still want to live to see the next Hallmark holiday and by golly she'd better get me a nice birthday gift this year.)