Herstory

In the past two months I've read a fair amount of my wife's writing. She has written reports, educational assessments, letters to parents, emails to colleagues, and some very official-sounding copy employing the use of words not within my limited hick vocabulary. I had to look up some of the words in the dictionary, but when I found the entries they all read: "This is a word that an idiot like you would never use . . . so forgetaboutit."

Her writing has impressed me, especially her use of correct English and unmixed metaphors. And I like her style. The letters she has written to some parents reminds me of the same style and tone she used to take when she wrote to me in college. Stuff like:

Dear Mr. Outcalt,
It is with regret and deep sadness that I write to you today to express my disappointment with our date of Friday last. Just who do you think you are? You think you have so much going on that I don't have better options? You call that a kiss? And what's up with leaving a 6.5% tip? Until you can show improvement, I'm placing you on disciplinary report. Shape up, sonny!
Sincerely,
Ms. Osburn

Clearly you can see what I'm up against. Especially since Becky has saved all of my letters. My old letters read more along the vein of:

Dear Honeypot,
Can I rub your knee again? Or is it just hot in here? What'll it be this Friday? Burger King or Wendys? Your dad still hate me? Do you still like me? Please check _____yes or _____no.
Have a good'n,
Todd