SPEAK !

Perhaps it is that time of the year, but I seem to receive a plethora of speaking invitations in September.  Although I respectfully decline most of them, there are a few opportunities that always peak my interest . . . at least for a time.  I just have to figure out how I can be in two places at once and, through it all, keep a woman happy.

Although there are many "high profile" people out there (even pastors) who seem to enjoy the open road, the accolades, the applause, the screaming girls . . . I find that peace, quiet, and a writing desk are far and away more compelling to me than standing up in front of people and pretending to be an expert.  Of course, I am an expert on many subjects.  The Andy Griffith Show is one (go ahead, ask me anything about Goober!).  I also know a great deal about Gomer Pyle and Hogan's Heroes.  And I can hold my own in the world of literature, some sports, and I know a fair amount about coffee.  Oh, and women.  I know everything there is to know about women!

But I'm not taking this knowledge on the road.  My wife needs me too much.  In fact, she tells me this every night.  "I need you!" she says.  "I gotta have you!  Now!"

Expertise must stay close to home!  I can't be sharing my secrets willy-nilly with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who can pay a cover charge to hear me speak.  My son needs my advice on women, too.  And I give it for free!

Sure, I'll be accepting a few of these speaking engagements.  I've rejected enough of these invitations over the years to build a tidy little nest of people who hate me.  Time now to make a few friends.  But I'm hopeful that I can speak on subjects I know about.  I also hope to build quite a reputation out there on the road.  I'd love to start a fan club.  Dues would be $19.95 a year.  A real bargain!  I'd live in an RV while I tour.  And naturally there would be thousands of people who would flock to hear me speak.  Most of them women.

My wife, of course, would be with me.  She's the one who would be writing all my speeches.