Thursday, September 15, 2011

My Un-Impending Divorce

From time to time I have magazine editors who send me complimentary copies of their wares.  And in one recent issue of a women's magazine, I perused an article entitled, "The Top Ten Signs that Your Marriage Might be Headed for Divorce".  Scary headlines, so I had to read on.  Did my marriage exhibit any of these tell-tale signs of impending trouble?

I can't address all ten signs here, so I'll just address the three that offered me a sigh of relief.  I've since talked to my wife about my concerns, and she has agreed that our marriage is rock solid.  Or, as she noted, "You're deluded if you think another woman would have you!"

Right, but let's get on with the analysis of these signs.  (These are the real deal, I'm not making this stuff up.)

Sign #1:  Your spouse has a new-found interest in connecting with old high school flames on facebook.

Okay, let me admit from the outset that I love all of my old high school flames.  And if you are one of those flames and reading this blog, I still love you . . . always have.  That's just the way I am.  And if you and I have been swapping facebook entries or re-connecting on some emotional level, it's only natural that, after thirty-plus years, we would want to swap photos to see who has the most gray hairs or who has gained the most weight.  But the fact is, my wife was an old high school flame, too (old being the operative word here now) and I get to see her every day.  It ain't a pretty sight, believe me, but then that's what my marriage is . . . a series of ugly snapshots taken over the span of three decades.  True, I'm on facebook.  I banter.  But if anyone out there is looking for hot love, try finding your soul mate on or eHarmony.  I hear those services are dynamite and as my wife knows:  you can do a lot better than me.  Find yourself a plumber or an electrical engineer.  They are much handier around the house, and all I know how to do is write love poetry and smooch.

Sign # 2: Your spouse has recently purchased sexy new underwear.

I take offense to this sign. When my mother gave me that new 3-pack of BVDs for Christmas, I was just being nice.  And actually, I haven't even opened the pack yet.  I'm saving myself for Lent.  When I do open the pack and wear one of these new, steam-pressed 100% cotton briefs, my wife will know something is up.  She'll have a headache then, and we'll compromise passion and go down to Wendy's for a value sandwich.  Afterwards, of course, I will offer to wear the new underwear as a bandanna. 

Sign # 3: Your spouse has saved another woman's phone number and stored it on speed dial.

My marriage is secure because, I don't even know how to save a number on my cell phone.  How do you operate these things?  I'm still listening to voice mail recordings from 2004 and I can't seem to erase them.  Yes, I do have a few women's numbers, but a couple of them happen to be my mother and my mechanic.  And I don't have affairs with grease monkeys.  Although . . . grease . . .  But listen, my wife just laughs when she sees me trying to make a call.  It's hand-to-hand combat with technology, and I can't press those tiny buttons to send a text message.  I want to tell another woman I love her and my text would come out hycm x?eellmtw5 3wmzx.  YSWIM?  (You see what I mean?)  Not very romantic.  And I'm sure most women would think I was dyslexic.  I'd just end up trying to have an affair, but doing everything backwards.  I'd tell my wife I was seeing another woman, and then go looking for one. 

So, according to these marriage experts, my marriage is secure.  Thank God.  If not for this article, I might have assumed the worst. 

Then again . . . maybe I'd better check my wife's underwear drawer.

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