However, last night I did open a fan "email" letter . . . how she got my email address I'll never know. It came all the way from Germany and basically confirmed what a swell guy I am and how much my work means to people overseas (as opposed to the States, where my books are ground into pulp and used as cattle feed). She wanted to know what I was working on and if I had any other books she could purchase at a steep discount. If I had not mentioned my wife in my response email, she probably would have asked me for a date. I also made mention of my two children, so she would get the idea that I was happily married, or at least had a job and a home with a large septic tank. She seemed pleased enough and said she would write me back. I think she will. Elga! Beautiful name.
Fan mail is essential to the successful writer, of course. Without fan mail we wither and die. Or at least develop varicose veins. Some writers get the croup. I, on the other hand, develop an insatiable thirst for Vanilla Protein shakes and can't live with 'em.
Naturally, a successful writer like me always responds to fan mail. I don't have my agent do this, and I certainly am not going to hire an outside PR firm or a secretary named Veronica to write my faithful fans. I respond immediately, almost desperately, and my cheeks flush with excitement. My wife thinks I want to make love. But it is just the fan mail talking.
I write back something like:
My Dearest Faithful Reader:
How honored I am that you wrote to me expressing such deep sentiments and admiration for my work. I admire you, too . . . more than words can say . . . and I write a lot of 'em. Yes, if I ever get to Germany I'll look you up. I will, of course, be accompanied by my wife of twenty-seven years. You'll recognize us immediately. I'll be the pretty one shackled to a rather overbearing-looking woman of some advancing age who keeps yelling, "Keep up!" She will be dragging me along and my knees will be bleeding. I hope you will understand if I don't stop to talk, as we have some wienershnitzel and sauerkraut to buy. By now you've heard of Anthony Wiener, I'm sure. As for my books, I do hope you will keep reading (and buying at retail price). I am, most blessed . . . your faithful favorite author, Toddy-O.
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