My Romance Invitation

This morning, while eating breakfast at a local restaurant, I received a verbal invitation to speak at a romance writers support group. In particular, the interest was on my sharing the "ins" and "outs" of professional writing and publishing. This intrigues me, but I wonder: what, exactly, would I say to a group of romance writers concerning professional writing and publishing?

But just in case, I've been honing my speech.

Ladies and Gentleman Romance Writers, I stand before you today because I am an expert in the art and artistry of love. My wife can attest to this. When we did the Dingo Dance two years ago, she told me I did a great job and wrote me a note of thanks some days later on very fancy stationery. Often, while other men are at a loss for words, I can whisper sweet nothings like, "Great corn on the cob tonight" or "Love the way you spread that mulch" and get sexual favors in return. I also write great love poetry, stuff that can make my wife swoon or make her want to go to bed early and get an extra hour of shut-eye. Sometimes, while I am writing, say, an article about Hungarian meatballs, or an essay about men's hair coloring, my wife will come up behind me and whisper, "Did you wrap the leftover salmon in foil, and would you like to try some Saranwrap foreplay?" Naturally, I did wrap the salmon, as I hate to waste a great piece of fish. As you can see, my expertise in the romance area is legendary, and I write romance because I have so much of it to give. When my wife and I married more than twenty-five years ago, she told me she loved the way I "did it." I considered this a compliment, and have continued waxing the kitchen floors ever since. Someday in the near future, I plan to ask her what she meant by "doing it." I have a hunch, but must wait for verification. Now, as I speak to you today about romance writing, I can only say that you must write from personal experience and from what your mother told you about sex. If your mother didn't tell you about sex . . . you're screwed. Sorry about the double-entendre. And if you don't know what double-entendre is, you'll never make it as a romance writer. I do thank you for inviting me and for your willingness to receive the benefits of my many years of romance experience. And for those of you who need more information, please see me after the meeting today. I'll give you my mother's phone number.