Tuition

Last week I completed sorting all of my receipts and records for my 2009 taxes. I also formulated a budget for 2010 and was astounded to note that this year I'll be paying out a whopping $42,000 in college tuition to Ball State and Indiana University. Since neither my daughter (Ball St.) or my wife (IU) are intelligent enough to be on scholarship, and since our family has income and has saved a bit for this scenario, that means I'll write checks to cover the whole shebang!

Still, Becky asked me, "Are you sure you've got the correct figures?"

"Well," I said, "I ain't too good at cipherin' since I dropped out of the sixth grade, but go figure it: a year at Ball State, a summer internship for Chelsey in England, plus nine summer credit hours on top of that, plus your goin'-back-to-night-school tuition for spring, summer and fall . . . and you get $42,000."

I then went on to explain my three-point plan for staying alive in 2010:

* Spring is coming, and that means dandelions. Our yard will be loaded with 'em. And dandelion greens are edible. I figure we can save a month's worth of grocery money just living off the lawn, and this can include our copious supply of mulberries. If we get to these before the birds can eat them and poop the seeds on our cars, we can save big money on fruits and vegetables. And listen, I'm not even counting the walnuts in the mix. If the trees produce other nuts besides me, we're golden.

*Dunkin' Donuts . . . I'm still waiting on the management to call me regarding that 3-6 a.m. position for minimum wage. The way I figure it, I can bake donuts and write essays or book chapters at the same time. Or I could write a book about working at Dunkin' Donuts.

* Bodily fluids. I've got 'em. I can sell 'em. I did ask Becky if she would mind if I checked into the pay of contributing at a sperm bank, but she just laughed and reminded me that no woman in her right mind would consider an earthly-attachment to me. "And besides," she said, "look at the kids we produced together. You think the world needs more of them?"

I guess not . . . that would require more tuition after all.