Friday, February 5, 2010

Grant It, Please


Large chunks of the past two days have been devoted to writing a grant for the church. I hate grant writing . . . though I'm almost always successful at obtaining grant money. In fact, over the past twelve years, I've written grants totalling more than $150,000. Not too shabby.

Writing a grant is like trying to find a date on eHarmony or Match.com. There are lots of questions to answer--and how one answers the questions determines the response of the foundation board who may, or may not, want to dance. But really, how does one answer questions like:

Q: What can you tell us about this project?
A: It's like building the ancient pyramids of Egypt. This is a church, so we are going to employ lots of cheap labor and, where, possible, we will leave off the cap stone while discussing the book of the dead. Picture a pyramid without a top to it. That's our project.

Q: Who are you going to use on this project?
A: We'll find people on the street who will work for food. Or, we'll stand in the parking lot of our local Long John Silvers and ask, "Wanna shine a flashlight in my crawlspace?" The airport will be another source of labor. We hear there are people who are still waiting for a flight back to Albuquerque and we'll feed them soup and salad in exchange for a day's work (see grant budget for $15 for chili-five way at Steak N' Shake).

Q: Are you gonna oversee this project, or will it be some other flunky in your organization?
A: Oh, it'll be me, dingo! I'll be asking lots of questions like, "Hey, did you know I can see your butt crack when you're up on that ladder?" or "Aren't you gonna take a sack lunch up on the roof . . . or at least a Twinkie?" or "Have you seen Avatar?" I'll be writing all of this up in my final report and submitting it along with coupons to Macaroni Grill.

Q: When do you estimate the project will end?
A: This is the church. Nothing ever ends. It is eternal . . . and it goes on and on and on.

Q: Well, just give us an estimate then!
A: Okay, how about this: We'll get'r done by next Friday!

Q: Now, really, how much do you need to get this project done? Don't pad it. Just give it to us straight.
A: Listen . . . you know as well as I do that we could do this job for $11.95 if we shopped at Lowe's. But we're talking NEEDS here. And the fact is, we NEED a lot more than $11.95 if we are going to upgrade our light bulbs to 60-watters, filter the sulphur taste out of our drinking water, and purchase a new chair for my office. Sure, on paper we'll be saying we need this money for HVAC needs, but we could really use a new chain saw, too, or one of those big clipper things on the end of a telescoping pole that can cut limbs 150 feet up. And I'm not even going to mention some of the personal grooming tools we could use around here (shoe shine kits, etc.). Just send a large check at your discretion and we'll call it even.

Q: Anything else?
A: I sure would like to dance. Call me.

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