Friday, February 19, 2010

My Author Schedule


I've noted that most authors' websites include a schedule of their upcoming appearances, speaking engagements, and book signings. So, let me here make the public aware of my 2010 schedule.

February 2010
No engagements at this time.

March 2010
There's a lady at a bookstore in Terre Haute who might invite me to do a book signing if she can get approval from her manager (some greasy guy with size fifteen feet who has a habit of saying, "Whaz your name agin?").

April 2010
Address to Mrs. Olsen's 1st grade class on the subject: "What color is your crayon, and where have you been sticking it?"

Possibility that I will sign books at my son's basement overnight party after one of his illiterate friends asks, "Did your dad really write all these books? Dude!"

May 2010
Nothing at this time.

June 2010
Possibility that I will sign books at the Annual Conference of the UM Church where the bishop will ask, "Are you still in Brownsburg?"

July 2010
Address to the annual 4th of July party at our house on the subject, "Who wants another weenie?" I will sign books afterwards using Kruden's spicy brown mustard.

August 2010
Nothing

September 2010
Scheduled to address Dr. Elroy McGuilickudy's pre-natal birthing class on the subject: "Do you know how you got into this mess?" By invitation, I will also sign books between contractions.

October 2010
Just a few odds-and-ends, with the biggie being my keynote address to the Boy Scout Jamboree: "Okay, who put the snake in my pants?"

November 2010
Hoping that TIME magazine will follow through on their profile interview for Man-of-the-Year. Otherwise, I will be interviewed by the 4th grade class at Fancy Gulch Elementary and answer questions like: "When did you know you wanted to be a writer?" "Have you ever killed someone and written about it?" "If so, where did you bury the body?" "Could we see it?" "Recess is in fifteen minutes, what else should we ask you?"

December 2010
A big month, with lots of writing activities. I am scheduled, as always, to give away hundreds of books that no one has purchased, going broke again in the process. The copies that I cannot give away I will use as a car jack or as filler for the large hole in the basement wall where my son's friends used their heads as battering rams during the Super Bowl party. Should you like a copy of my book, please send $4.00 to cover P/H and write to:

The Author Who Sells No Books
PO Box 666
Any Town, U.S.A.


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