For the past decade my wife, Becky, has been in a breast cancer study group. She fills out forms, answers questions, gets free check-ups, and twice a year receives some reimbursement for her participation.
But why can't a guy like me be in a study group? Surely there's a sociologist out there who could create a study focused on the life of the boring 51-year old man. We could be paid in licorice, or laxatives. I could be President of the study group.
It would be easy to get participants. Some TV lawyer could drop an ad, or perhaps a full-page newspaper invitation could be submitted:
Wanted: Boring 51-year old men willing to submit themselves to the derision of others. Must be forgetful, married, and preferably a father to some average children who bear a resemblance to someone else who is successful. Both testicles a must. Should also have a long history of personal struggle coupled with a fair amount of animosity from the wife. Midwesterners preferred for this study, but will also consider derelicts from the streets of New York or throwback hippies from the San Francisco area. Must have own transportation or moped and be willing to pee in a bucket if the wife demands you keep the seat down. Participants will also need to enjoy reading thick, academic-style manuals containing tiny photographic plates of the human body and be willing to admit they have nothing better to do. Four notarized affidavits from female, non-family members will also be required, each swearing that the applicant is one of the most boring men they know and, even in the event of a nuclear tragedy where half the human population is wiped out, they would never consider having the applicant's baby. Serious applicants only! And gosh darn it, we mean it!
Any men want to join me, we'll get in touch with a University very soon. I know there's government money for this! Stay boring, my friends!