First, there's the 120 yard trek out to the mailbox every morning (even on holidays), and if it's raining or snowing, I'm soaked to the bone by the time I get back into the house (paper is soggy, too, but makes for fun reading). That's why I put on a pot of coffee before I make this mailbox journey. I want something scalding hot when I get back with the news. I don't take an umbrella, and since it's dark when I make the trek, I doubt the passing cars can see me in my underwear. I'm still perplexed by why so many honk, however.
Reading news is a great way to start the day. One has to look for the good news among the bad, of course, but that's part of the fun of reading instead of listening to some high-paid idiot recite from a tele-prompt-er. I can read a headline, skim an article, or chuck the whole world in the recycle bin and turn immediately to the obituaries or the sports. My choice.
It's interesting to see how often I'm in the newspaper, too. Take yesterday. You probably heard about me. Here's a few of the headlines.
Wild Animals Loose in Ohio
Okay, the sources got the wrong state, but I've been on the loose for some time. My wife can attest to it.
Couple Dies Holding Hands
I asked my wife about this just the other day. "Can I hold your hand while we sleep together?" She told me, "Over my dead body!" The headline is a bit misleading but she would have killed me if I'd touched her during one of her hot flashes.
Lockout Discussions Continue
I'm always amazed at how quickly news travels and how fast these reporters can gather information. How did they know that in the past week I've been locked out of the church twice and my house once? My wife still won't let me in. I'm writing this from the trunk of my car.
Judge Repeals Lindsay Lohan Parole
This isn't news. I could have written this one months ago and been spot on. And I don't even know who Lindsay Lohan is. Why is she taking my headline?
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