Why Write a Book?

For some reason I continue to receive copious numbers of phone calls, brochures and "pitches" from various "marketing experts" and publishing gurus who claim to possess the secrets that will catapult my many mid-list book titles to the bestselling stratosphere. All for a price . . . of course. I am a target, I suppose, because I now have a number of books to my name, and a quick glance at my sales history demonstrates that I am, indeed, a loser. I'm a writer who needs help, and my books go out of print faster than my wife rejects my advances.

Still, when people call me, I do like to have fun with them from time to time. Hey, a guy has to have some entertainment once in a while.

A few days ago I received a "pitch" from a guy who claimed to have the five "secret" keys to getting my book (which one?) on the best seller list. He began by telling me that, first, it was important to understand why I wanted to write a book.

"Why do I want to write a book?" I asked him, feigning interest.

"A book can be your path to fame and fortune," he told me.

I listened as he regaled me with a long list of best selling titles (as if I were supposed to be impressed by his knowledge of a quick check of The New York Times Book Review or Amazon.com). He claimed that all of these books were best sellers, and that their authors were quite famous, because all had used his patented "secret" keys to success.

Never mind, I thought, that most Americans don't even read one book per year, or that, outside of Stephen King, most Americans couldn't name a single literary figure. Famous writers? Writers who make a fortune from writing? Sorry, Charlie, such a thing doesn't exist outside of the top 1/2 of 1% of writers. The fact is: most writers starve . . . and even highly successful authors who sell books usually earn a living in some other way . . . like selling aluminum siding or car wash coupons.

I know why I get these calls, these brochures, these mailings and these "pitches", it is because as Mr. Barnum once said, "There is a sucker born every minute." And there must be enough suckers answering these calls and sending hard-earned cash to chase a dream.

I can dream with the best of them. But I also know there are no short-cuts or secrets to writing a book. Writing has always been, is, and always will be hard work. Difficult work. Important work. And anyone who claims to know the secret short cuts or the "real reasons" why writers should write aren't writers. They should stick to what they do best. Like selling ShamWows and Agent Orange Carpet cleaner.

And yes, I've tried these products, too. And believe me . . . they don't work on cat pee.