Christmas Card Follies

To date I have probably received 100 Christmas cards. They are piled high on the kitchen table and do, quite frankly, look rather majestic. Many of these cards are filed with family photos and, often, the annual "Christmas letter" . . . wherein parents brag on their children and wherein others attempt to convince me that their lives are much more exciting than mine. They are correct on this count, of course, but they don't need to rub it in by sending me a letter about their world travels and the large company bonus they received that enabled them to purchase a third vacation home in Key West.

But I sent my Christmas letter out a couple of weeks ago and, like all the others, it was filled with gross misrepresentations and, yes, outright lies . . . but our family letter did, I feel, at least convey the gospel message of Luke: a long and arduous year's journey to nowhere; worries over taxation; smelly animals that poop wherever they please; and sufficient pain and anguish as my wife and I "pushed" ourselves unmercilessly this past year while trying to give birth to hope.

Looking back on my Christmas letter, I also discovered several oversights. I should have mentioned in our letter that we did manage to take a family vacation to Michigan this past summer to a place where no one was happy and where the most frequent question was, "When can we leave?" Our van was also recalled for repair, and it's never come back (thank God), and my 1991 Chevy Caprice wagon has been stalled in the driveway for the past two months with a dead battery. If I can get it started again, it will still be our best car in 2011, which will be important, because we still have a long flight to Egypt to make. And finally, I said in my Christmas letter that I did not have any books published in 2010. But I forgot about The Ultimate Christian Living, which was indeed published in March.

I'm sorry about those oversights. I just can't keep all of these exciting details fresh in my mind. After all, as you can see, our family is far more exciting than YOURS. And in 2011, we are going to be even more exciting as a family. We've made a pledge. In 2011 we are expanding our menu to include Tuna Helper. And I can't freakin' wait.