In October, my wife and I made changes to our Last Will & Testament (which we keep in our secret lock box with the combination 18-39-33). Some of the biggest changes to the language in our Will were centered on making sure that our two children don't get their "grubby little paws" on our "significant assets" (which now, get this . . . total more than $187.94 in stocks and bonds after making another payment to Ball State!!!!). Our children must also wait until they are (respectively) 87 & 93 years old before cashing any of these assets. And finally, if I die tomorrow from, oh let's say, an extended bout of diarrhea or a severe case of rickets, Calvary UM Church in Brownsburg will get some of this money and will be able to plant a shrub in my memory . . . a scrawny shrub, yes, but a shrub nonetheless! It can be planted in the darkest corner of the property next to some sticker bushes with a plaque: In Almost-Fond Memory of What's His Name
I wish more people would remember their churches in their Will (and that's why I'm doing it--to put my own money where my mouth is). But most of us can give significant gifts to God's work when we die if we'll only plan for it. (It's true!)
Now, having said that, there are other significant assets that I also have in a closet. I've told me wife about this numerous times, but she doesn't believe me. I keep telling her, "Remember, if I die from scurvy, I have very valuable writing in the closet. I have great heaping mounds of novels and essays and stories and articles and poems that you should be able to cash in at some pawn shop in Speedway. This lifetime of work should be able to buy groceries for you and the kids for a couple of months, and if you drive a hard bargain on that novel series I wrote about canker sores, you could probably take an extended vacation in Akron, Ohio."
Naturally, Becky covers her ears and begins sobbing at the very thought of my death (which, I remind her, could be immanent if I don't eat enough limes). She tells me (she's a great actress!) that she can't stand the thought of going on without me . . . and sweet Jesus, she'll miss my turkey chili too! I hold her, wipe her crocodile tears, and tell her that yes, I'll be saddened by my own death, but it's for the best. Just think of what she'll have once I'm gone. And the men! This cheers her up.
I just don't have the heart to tell her that I've written her out of my Will. If I die, she can't remarry. In that instance, all of my worldly assets, including my secret stash of black licorice, goes to the dog. And let me tell you . . . dogs and black licorice don't mix. My wife will have a heck of a mess to clean up. Serves her right!
Got your Last Will & Testament written???!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment