Don't Quote Me

2007 was a big year for quotes. It was for me anyway. That year, there were three publishers who requested excerpts from my books. "Do you mind if we quote from your book?" they asked. Of course, I didn't mind. And of course, there was no pay for the quotes. I just couldn't believe I had written anything worth quoting . . . and I still don't.

But in case anyone is listening to what I say, I would like to offer the following quotes for the bargain basement price of $1.95 a quote. These would make great refrigerator magnets, bumper stickers, or sidebars for your next best-selling book (since my books don't sell worth crap!). Each of these quotes is original to me and would make fine additions to your vocabulary or family conversations.

Have you tried peanut butter and celery?

(Speaking to my son who eats, predominantly, Zebra cakes and Twinkies. This is my healthy alternative and can be your snack, too!)

Have you tried peanut butter and carrot sticks?

(Speaking to my son about my second healthy alternative for snack foods. This is a nice option in case you don't have celery.)

Are we out of peanut butter again?

(Asked this question last night and had to eat half of an onion that was molding in the crisper. Good Lord a-Mighty, I'm not eating that again!)

Good Lord a' Mighty I'm not eating that again!

(See previous explanation.)

Have you seen the TV remote?

(A lot of people think this came from The Family Guy, but it was one of my originals. This quote is usually accompanied by a tantrum, where I stomp on the floor, throw magazines across the room, and fling sofa cushions against the rafters. I usually find the remote in the cat litter box.)

When's the last time anyone changed the cat litter?
(A great thought, really . . . worthy of framing. Cat people would eat this up. Freshness counts, especially when the litter box is located under the bed in the master bedroom.)

Long time, no see . . . .

(One of my favorites, spoken daily when I see my wife around midnight. We usually settle in around this time to read term papers, proof, and print the daily output. But now it's midnight, and there's nothing left to do but go to sleep. We sleep together, but we don't sleep together . . . you know what I mean?)

Is it 5 a.m. already?

(Another favorite of mine, spoken usually before I get up to brew fifteen quarts of coffee and transition to the gym for my gut-busting workouts. I usually come back home from the gym to write more quotations.)

How am I doing so far?