My Column

At a clergy gathering this afternoon, I had several of my colleagues ask the question: "So, what are you going to write about in your next column?"

Evidently the word is out that I will write about most anything, and, quite frankly, it's getting tougher to live up to my own high standards (which are pathetically slim, actually) when it comes to maintaining and monitoring the quality of these published pieces.

Still, I've got several grand ideas that I've been batting around of late. I'm sure there are people out there who can't wait to read some of these gems. Should I write them?

Column #1 Title: Life and the Married Columnist

Here I'll explore the behind-the-scenes life of an average columnist in America . . . who we are, what we do, where we eat. I'll take readers into the dark back rooms of sleazy office spaces where, in places most people don't want to know about or don't want to admit exist, we write the columns that keep America's cogs turning. I will also write in technicolor detail about columnists' sordid sex lives . . . the spouses who spurn us, the types of fruit we eat for their aphrodisiac qualities, and the key phrases that turn our spouses on, including, "my keyboard needs to be dusted" and "have you seen my thesaurus lately?"

Column #2 Title: The Truth About Bedbugs

Okay, this column is part memoir and part confession. But the truth is, I've got 'em, you've got 'em, and that's why, quite frankly, we can't stop itching. Got nothing to do with allergies. Check under your armpits. They're there! I discovered mine after I shaved my chest: a family of four bedbugs--and not insignificant in size--that had taken up residence between my pecs. In this column I'll tell you how to get rid of the little beasts. But first, you'll need some gasoline and a large comb. Oh, and save a little money for a motel room for two nights. Red Roof Inn has the best rates and they also sanitize their hot tubs daily so you won't have to worry about contracting TB.

Column #3 Title: Blue Ain't My Favorite Color

Actually, I prefer earth tones, for obvious reasons. Orange ain't bad. I could also live with chartreuse. No lavender. Red turns me on.

Column #4 Title: Church Kitchens

Most people at one time or another have wondered: what's really in a church kitchen? Well, I'm blowing the lid off! You won't believe how many sticks of butter . . . and I'm talking OLD sticks . . . have been growing mold in church kitchens since the Eisenhower administration. And listen, you'll never find a fresh vegetable in a church kitchen. Two year old green bean casserole, maybe . . . but no carrot sticks. And I wouldn't eat anything wrapped in tin foil. The last time I ate a foil-wrapped church kitchen food it was actually Playdough from the preschool. And I'm not going to write the follow-up column about church bathrooms.