Last night I completed my 2010 Census . . . but I had the feeling there were a few things missing. So let me here complete the questions the government REALLY wants to know about our household.
You've provided names, but what are your real names and your alleged sexes?
Okay, you caught me. I'm Ralph. My wife is Louise. And my son is a wolverine formerly known as Willie the Weasel. Ralph and Louise did have sex sixteen years ago to produce the wolverine boy. This was the last alleged coupling in this household.
You seem to have a daughter you are not counting in this census . . . is she in college?
That's what she tells us. Otherwise, she's using thousands of dollars to live in a cubicle and eat sandwiches that cost $18.95 a pop.
Okay, let's get down to the basics of this census. Have you ever blown anything up?
So far I've destroyed a lawn mower and one chain saw. My son has destroyed a basement.
Have you ever, are you now currently, or do you ever plan to live in Saudi Arabia?
I only travel there to get a tan when I'm not wearing my Burka.
Are you a voting member of the Communist Party?
My uncle Wang was a card-carrying member in the Teamsters. What are you asking here?
Would you like to help tally this census?
You don't have enough money to secure my mathematical skills. I'm great at subtraction.
What suggestions do you have for improving this census?
Oh, my. How about questions concerning people's library habits? Could you do anything with coffee and donuts? And oh, yeah, I'd really like to know what other kinds of problems people have with sixteen year olds. Is it okay to use a muzzle and cage system to control them?
Thank you for completing this census. As long as we receive your reply before Christmas, you (or more likely, your wife, Louise) will not go to prison.
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