My Resume

One of the magazines I receive via mail is The Christian Century. And in the back of each issue, there are various "wanted" ads from pastors and congregations.

I've always found these ads to be, at best, questionable--both from the vantage point of pastors trying to find a pulpit, and from congregations who are touting their many advantages. For example, what would a pastor make of a church ad that is "seeking experienced senior pastor to lead two-thousand member mission-oriented congregation in new direction and growth. Person must have gifts and willingness to lead large, motivated staff as well as leadership teams. Person must have exceptional communication abilities and be able to relate to all persons. Salary and benefits commensurate with experience." (?)

Now, at the risk of sounding cynical, I've satirized these ads dozens of times in The Wittenburg Door and other magazines, and I've written quite a few satirical clergy ads, too. Neither congregation or pastor ever lives up the ad . . . these things are sort of like a cheap eHarmony.com, but deal exclusively with flawed ideas and concepts of ministry and people.

Nevertheless, I have been writing my own "ad", just in case my services are no longer needed in my current charge. Surely to goodness there's a congregation out there who would find my bio compelling:

Pastor Seeking Pulpit!

Old dude with diminishing-level of testosterone seeking unsuspecting congregation loaded with estrogen. This pastor enjoys writing, speaking and blogging, as well as eating a handful of cashews every night. By 2011, the congregation will not need to provide parsonage for a family, which will also mean this pastor can concentrate on writing inspiring sermons with titles like "There's a Little Jesus in All of Us" and "Everything I Needed to Know About Preaching I Learned in Seminary from Dr. Lischer". Pastor's wife also ignores him, which is a plus in the evenings so he can concentrate on attending church meetings. Let's Twitter and see if we can't work something out. Believe me, you'll want my services if you know quality or have windshield wipers that need changing on that old church van. Will also work for food or a couple of cans of Pork'n Beans. Call, write, or send FAX to Dunkin' Donuts headquarters. I'll be waiting.