My Upcoming National TV Tour

Last night I received word from the marketing crew overseeing my upcoming book. They told me they are sending me on a national television tour to promote the book when it hits the shelves. (No kidding!)

Now, before anyone gets too excited and begins jumping out of the windows in tall buildings, I've got news (and lots of experience to draw upon here). I'd be shocked . . . no, more than shocked, well, actually I'd be dumbfounded and left speechless if anything along these lines actually transpired. What usually happens is this: the publisher prints the books and sends them out to the distributors and these distributors get the books into the bookstores. The books stay on the shelves for a month or two, and then are sent back to the publisher (where the author eats the cost of the return shipping and ends up losing money because he actually wrote a book). During the time the books are in the bookstores, the author is attempting to do book signings, speaking engagements, and appearances that might spike sales.

But national television exposure?

Okay, so in case I do get appear on The Today Show, here's what I envision will be my conversation with Matt Lauer. I'll start practicing.

Lauer: Todd 'ol Buddy, why did you write this book?
Me: To make money, Matt. To pay Ball State tuition. To buy a ham sandwich.
Lauer: So, what do you think of Studio 1-A in Rockefeller Plaza?
Me: It's much smaller than I imagined. And you're really short. Al, too.
Lauer: Thank you . . . now about your book. It's a dandy. I understand you've written others?
Me: I've lost count, Matt.
Lauer: What are their titles?
Me: I don't remember.
Lauer: Where can people buy this book?
Me: I'll buy extra copies and keep them in my garage next to the motor oil and silicone caulking. Call me for a copy . . . I'm in the phone book.
Lauer: Well, we thank you for coming on the show this morning and drinking our disgusting coffee. Do you like Starbucks?
Me: Yes, but there's a new Dunkin' Donuts moving in right down the street from my house. I'm gonna eat boxes of those things and write a book about the creme-filled ones. I'd love to come back and talk about it. When is Katie available?
Lauer: She's not here any more. Meridith took her place.
Me: Oh, she's the blonde over there? Hi Meridith!
Lauer: Thank you. Now, back to Al for the weather.