My Health Report

Mark Twain once wrote: "Beware of reading health reports . . . you could die of a misprint!"

Having just read my own heath report, I can believe it. My report shows that I have very low cholesterol, but not enough "good cholesterol". How can something be good and bad at the same time, or of two differing varieties? My report also shows that I'm putting out excess protein from my kidneys (so I guess I eat too much protein).

So . . . what am I supposed to do to be more healthy? "Eat more nuts," the report tells me. "Almonds, cashews, hazels. That's the good cholesterol." That, and stay off the protein supplements for awhile until I can complete another urine test.

I've got the plan worked out. Starting tomorrow I'm eating nothing but nut covered donuts. That should spike my good cholesterol count. I'll drink a couple of gallons of coffee, too. That will help me fill the little urine cup. According to my health plan, I am to write all this down and submit it to the insurance company.

I can't wait for them to read my plan. Somebody out there is going to flip. I might even get a call from the CEO of Dunkin' Donuts asking me to become their official spokesperson. Move over, Jared! I'm goin' nuts.