Author Photos

Last week I was reading over my 20 page book contract and noted that I am to send 25 professional author photos (8 X 10 glossies) to the publisher for marketing and promotional purposes. Funny how I often overlook these little details.

Over the years I've had my picture taken by a number of professional photographers who have been sent my way via publishers, newspapers, and magazines. They are never what I hope for. Every time, I anticipate that I'm going to get a female photographer who will conclude our photo session by saying something like: "You know, you look kind of buff. Why don't you take off your shirt, go outside, use that shovel, and let me photograph you chucking that pile of pea gravel over your shoulder?" She would click away at the shutter and admonish me to "work it, baby, work it!" or "now you're showing me something!"

This never happens. All of the photographers who have been sent my way have looked like Chuck Norris or Grizzly Adams and they always start the photo session by asking, "So, where do you want to do this?" I always take a step back before I realize they are talking about photography. They always carry tripods and get their beards enmeshed in the attachments.

Even at home I can't catch a break. My photo is usually taken by a forty-seven year old, slightly bow-legged, pidgeon-toed wife with two thousand dollars worth of dental work. She looks through the shutter and says, "Get back in the house, take off that shirt, and put something else on. You look ridiculous."

I ask her if she wants to go with me while I change shirts.

She doesn't.