Thursday, January 12, 2012

Announcing My Upcoming Engagements

I would hereby like to announce my upcoming engagements.  I don't usually say "yes" to these things (as I've turned down many proposals over the past six years and have spurned all available suitors).  But in the past week I've said "yes" twice.  Does that mean I'm easy?!  Have I been playing "hard to get"?

First, I accepted an engagement to speak to a group of women next month.  This was an easy "yes"!  A room filled with women?!  Heck, yeah!  Of course, I haven't told my wife about this engagement yet.  At this engagement I am supposed to be entertaining and enlightening.  My wife will have all of these women believe that I am neither, but that's just her opinion.  Becky has never really seen me in a room filled with estrogen.  And she sure hasn't seen my yo-yo routine.  I'm also planning on spinning a few plates and spritzing myself extra heavy with aftershave.  I'll add Jesus in there somewhere for the enlightening portions.

A few weeks later I'll be speaking to a group of historians from the far ranges of North Dakota, Michigan, Minnesota, Illinois, and some other states that I can't pronounce.  At this gig I'm being asked to be both humorous and historical, with copious references being made about dead United Methodist bishops and the sacred role of the local church archivist.  I'm not telling my wife about this one, either.  She couldn't tolerate the idea that I know anything about church history or that, even in some perfect world, I could actually keep an organized filing system or remember an anniversary.  I'll let Becky continue to think of me as the guy who piles his dirty underwear by the bedroom door and who, when screamed at for his untidiness, can quickly pick up socks or create perfectly organized stacks of magazines on the coffee table . . . including National Geographics by month.  You should see these piles when I'm through. Very organized.  And I often weep at the sight of them.

I have other engagements, too. But these are the marriages that should be the most fun.  

I just hope none of the organizers read my blog.  They might back out of these commitments when they learn that I ain't that funny or that my yo-yo and numbchuck skills have evaported over time.  They might decide to leave me at the altar.  However, I've been jilted many times.  But believe me . . . it still hurts and the welts still linger.  A guy like me can only take so much rejection.

If they do cancel, however, they should expect a tussle. I'm not giving back any rings.  Plus . . . I really want to keep these dates on my calendar, as I've once again forgotten when my wedding anniversary is and I'm assuming my wife is expecting a really hot evening.   

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