Record Deal

Over the weekend I had a most unusual request.  I was offered a record deal.  No, not a record deal (as in cutting an album) . . . but a re-cord deal (as in, "we want you to record yourself reading).

The case, in this instance, was an audio book being produced by a publisher who believes that the future of poetry is "hearing" poems being read rather than reading poems in a book.  OK . . . I get it.  This sounds right, smart, and absolutely correct.

But the producer lost me when he said, "Use the settings on your computer to create your audio file and submit [these selected] poems to me by the end of the month." I thank producer Tim for the opportunity to record some of my published work, but I must admit, I don't know anything about these "settings" on my computer than can produce an "audio file".  What the heck is an audio file, and how does an idiot like me learn the button sequence without setting off another Cold War?

Naturally, I turned to another expert for these answers.  I asked my wife.  "How do you create an audio file on the computer?" I wondered.

"Beats me," she said.  "Sounds like you know as much about that as you do about making love to an older woman."

"Beat it," I said.  

So . . . I'm up early today.  Pressing buttons.  But something tells me this older laptop of mine doesn't have a built-in microphone.  The only thing I've managed to do so far is start the dishwasher.  And I've not yet figured out where I can insert the blank cassette tape!