Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Pastor's Report Card 2011

Each year pastors provide a "state of the church" report to their various charge conferences, outlining the achievements of the year past and goals for the future.  Since this pastor seeks to be creative, we are offering this report card.  We'll let readers decide if they believe it or not.

TEACHER'S COMMENTS:  This pastor, though getting a little old for this classroom, still seems eager to learn.  Fortunately, we have placed him in a wonderful classroom filled with remarkable students who help to hide his deficiencies (which are many).  This pastor seems to play well in the sandbox and has been overheard bragging about his classmates.  If it were not for these other students, this pastor would be eating paste and digging lima beans out of his ears.  For this reason and more, we also deem it necessary for this classroom to remain intact for another year and we would be remiss to break up the dynamics of this well-oiled machine.  We hope this pastor will, however, do better work in 2012, but as his knees and shoulders give out, we can see marked improvements, though many in the classroom regard him as "a little odd."  We don't recommend remediation, however.

HISTORY                         GRADE:  B
This pastor has been in his current classroom for going on eight years, but we don't think we should move him and torture another group of students.  This group in the Calvary classroom is used to him now and we say they can have him. In the past year twenty-six new students joined this classroom by profession of faith in Jesus (along with seventeen others who just transferred in) and another seventeen were baptized.  

We've had a problem in 2011 with people wanting to leave this classroom and go to other classrooms like Tanzania, Ghana, Belize, and even to foreign countries like Tennessee.  Many other students serve in places like Metro Ministries, Sheltering Wings, Jails, Food Pantries, and Schools. This classroom also tries to clothe, feed, and assist in a variety of needs.  This pastor, however, certainly can't have anything to do with it.  It's got to be the Holy Spirit and the others who lead the classroom.

For some reason, people still want to get into this classroom.  Not only is there a waiting list for the Learning Academy and Parent's Day Out (which says something about the quality), there are new people clamoring through the doors every week.  The pastor purchased two news suits recently, and we hope this will help him to be more presentable and his wife is helping him to shave more often.   

This kid loves gym.  He would probably live in one if he could.  He is frequently the first one in the doors when they open at 5 a.m.  His classroom offers classes like Yoga and Zumba . . . and we don't even know what these are.  We should also note that his wife assists him with his physical education and this student seems to have a grasp of human anatomy.

While we're on the subject, we should note that this student has been married to his first wife for twenty-seven years and has not strayed.  But it's easy to see why.  Who else would have him?  And listen, have you seen his wife?  She's a major babe and still has her high school cheerleader outfit with pom pons. This pastor is also encouraging his children (including his engaged daughter) to wait until marriage.  (Wait for what, we're not sure.) We do, however, believe that after twenty-seven years this pastor has waited long enough.  We shall be sending a note home to his wife. 

ENGLISH            GRADE: A
This student seems to have a decent understanding of the English language, but writes way too much.  We would encourage him not to write six books a year as he can't find people who will read them.  He does enjoy writing encouraging notes to people, however, and he continues to be impressed by the ways the other students are talking about their faith.  He seems convinced, also, that Jesus has a sense of humor and that people might equate laughter and joy with the gospel.

As you can see, this pastor is a decent student and we want to encourage him in his learning.  Lord knows he's flunked out of enough endeavors in his life, so we want to keep him in this classroom where he is surrounded by so many gifted and caring students who will help him with crib notes.  He loves the people he works with and can pick himself up off the playground when he gets knocked down and scrapes his knees.  He rarely cries . . . though we've seen others crying when it was announced he was returning to the classroom for 2012. 

For a fuller summation of this student's thoughts, we would recommend people purchase his full slate of book titles (at retail price) or visit http://www.growmychurch.com/ and click on the October 24 interview.  He's the student who looks like Lawrence Welk and talks like a hick from Sullivan county.

RECOMMENDATION:  PASS (but we're being extremely lenient here).


Michelle Kallock Knight said...

So what grades do the staff get???

Todd Outcalt said...

All "A"s to everyone else!!!

Liz said...

Missing Indy and when ever I read here I remember why.