Wanted . . . A Few Facebook Friends

Every writer hopes for readers, and Facebook now seems to be a prime source for this blog. Still, I'm 25 "Friends" shy of the 300 mark, and so I thought I'd elicit this ad seeking two-bit friendships. Here are the type of friends I'm looking for:

Anyone Named "Al"

I'm short on "Als" and I know few people by this name. If you're Al, please befriend me. I'd love to have an Al as a friend. I've got plenty of Bobs and Marys and Jims. Some of these Jims are also Slim. I like Al.

Additional Gorgeous Women

All of the women who are my Facebook friends are gorgeous, including my wife. But I do enjoy showing my wife various photos of my gorgeous Facebook friends. I sit by my wife at night and say, "See, here are the type of women who want to be my friend. Ain't they pretty?" If you are a man who thinks you are gorgeous, please don't reply. Although, if you have other redeeming qualities such as "industriousness", "mental acumen", "a keen sense of humor" or a "fully stocked wine cellar" go ahead and apply. I don't have to know you to love you, but guys please don't send a photo. Women . . . befriend with your best photo.

Billionaires

I'd love to have a billionaire friend. We don't have to hang out together that much, but I would be open to sailing, jetting to Cancun for the weekend, or working behind the scenes at your next Fortune 500 convention (I make a great lime punch). We won't talk about money that often, but if you would like to endow a poor writer like myself, I won't be offended. Oh, and if you know Oprah personally and can get me some tickets to her next "Favorite Things" show, we could make a weekend of it. I'll take some vacation days.

Secret Shoppers

I don't think I've ever met a secret shopper. But I'd love to have one as a friend. Might answer some of my questions: Who are these people? Where do they come from? What do they look like? Could I be standing next to a secret shopper right now? Could this friend get me a great deal on a used Volvo?

Someone Who Has an Umbrella

I never carry an umbrella and am always getting soaked. It would be nice to have a friend who is prepared.

Mom

I don't understand why my mother doesn't want to be my friend. I thought we had things patched up. Mom, I love you. Befriend me. The ball's in your court.