First Person

The voice of a story is a key consideration, especially for fiction. But when it comes to writing biography, I've always found it difficult to write in the first person.

Last night I received word from an editor that some of my work was going to press, but that he lacked a suitable bio for me. "Please write your bio in the first person," he said. "And tell our readers who you are."

Well, I wrote two sentences about myself, but felt like a dork. He loved it, though. "Perfect," he wrote in an email reply. "This suits our magazine wonderfully."

Really. I wish I could take back what I wrote. I hate telling lies, especially about myself, especially in Lent. I should have written the following:

I really don't have much to say about myself, although there are words that might describe me: mediocre, odd and bumbling come to mind. My wife might add odious. I'd like to be able to say that my work is on the bestseller list, but no. Most of my writing moulders in a closet and is currently being used by rats to nest. Few read what I write, and even fewer buy it, and I can't imagine why anyone outside of the relatives who love me would find any redeeming value in it. I would like to point out, however, that most of my work can be found in Half Price Books on the remaindered tables and an even greater percentage is currently out of print entirely. My wife doesn't understand why I continue to write, and sometimes she pistol-whips me. My writing will never be in the Smithsonian and I doubt my kids will want it. In fact, I'm amazed you, the reader, are actually reading this bio right now. Haven't you got better things to do?