More From the . . . Are You Kidding Me Department

Just when I thought I couldn't laugh any more . . . I was delivered from my misery with these silly moments of the past week.

An editor (to be named later) called last week feigning interest in one of my new book proposals. She did, however, seem deeply concerned by my inability to write the book in question. "Could you send me some of your previously published material?" she asked. Now, here's the kicker. She works for a publisher who has published, get this . . . eight of my books. Are you kidding me? "You must be new there," I said. "Your publisher has already worked with me eight times over the past decade. You probably have my previously published books on the shelf behind your desk. Take a look at them." She seemed shocked by this revelation (I hope she collapsed in her chair in awe or will at least call back with an offer to send me a coupon to Golden Corral).

A magazine editor sent me an email today (yes, just moments ago) to inform me that she would, indeed, be interested in reviewing a couple of my Christmas stories for a 2010 December issue (remember . . . writers have to think AHEAD, months ahead, years ahead!). "Send me a resume too," she wrote. "We like to have bio information on our first-time writers." Are you kidding me? First-time? "I've written for your magazine many times," I wrote back, "but it has been a couple of years since you've heard from me. I've been cracking walnuts and cleaning up dog poop." I'm expecting her to write back any moment with the exclamation: "Holy Cow! Mr. Alleycat, is that YOU? Long time, no hear, you crazy loon. How you doin' big guy? Love to publish more of your excellent prose!"

And finally, my wife recently had to purchase two textbooks for one of her night classes. Total bill for two slim books (one a VERY thin paperback) was over $200. A hundred dollars a book? Are you kidding me? Now here's the kicker. I know the publisher, and I was flabbergasted to learn that this price is, indeed, the retail price. A hundred dollars a copy? Where do I sign up for a deal like that? What writer (other than a lawyer . . . and these were LAW books) could get $80 per book in royalty? God-a-mighty, I'm writing the wrong type of books . . . why didn't I go to law school at Duke instead of shelling out the same amount of money for a lowly M.Div. degree? $80 a book in royalty? No joke. And as I told my wife, "You'd better memorize those suckers! Those are the most expensive paperback books I've ever purchased in my life!"