From Our Office of the Dictionary

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I love to read the dictionary. The way I figure it, the dictionary contains all of the other books that have been written. Still, there are always new and fascinating words to encounter and memorize. And I also love to make up my own definitions and try to coin new definitions that might stick.

As I anticipate the annual meeting of United Methodist clergy this year, here are a few definitions I would like to offer for the edification of all.

Boredom: (noun) otherwise known as the annual meeting of United Methodist clergy in Muncie, whereby pastors sit and talk about highly insignificant matters while daydreaming about their next meal.

Boring: (verb) see Boredom.

United Methodist: (noun) a Christian denomination purported to still be in existence, originating as a movement in England in the 18th century, and now gathering in out-of-the-way places like Muncie, Indiana under the guise of radical hospitality.

Annual Conference: (noun) a gathering of United Methodist clergy and laity held each year in odd places like Muncie, Indiana where clergy and laity listen to boring talks under the guise of excitement and radical hospitality and daydream of their next meals.

Voting: (verb) a procedure purported to take place at annual conferences that are held in really strange places like Muncie, Indiana, and carried out by either the a. lifting of hands b. verbal affirmation or c. lifting a voting card which most of the delegates have left back in their hotel rooms while dreaming of their next meal.

Voting card: (noun) the piece of paper prepared on the conference photocopier which most annual conference delegates left behind where they ate their last meal.

Cluster: (noun) various groupings of United Methodist churches whereby people get together to find, purportedly, greater success in thinking that a pitch-in dinner is orgasmic.

Delegate: (noun) anyone who has the audacity to attend an annual conference and actually sit through a session, any session.

Bishop: (noun) the guy who presides at annual conference and will still give the writer of this blog a great appointment because he has a sense of humor.

[Disclaimer: this blog is an equal-opportunity offender and should not be read by those who have heart problems, rickets, or who are nursing infants who are old enough to read.]