Kid Stuff

About 15 years ago, when my children were much younger and far more impressionable, I wrote a spate of children's books (maybe a dozen total).  No publisher ever jumped at the opportunity or showed the first signs of interest in my illustrated works, despite some rather esoteric titles.  I wrote a book entitled Mike's Moustache (about a boy born with full facial hair), Tiddly Diddly (about a thumb-sized man who inhabits a miniature world) and my favorite, One Strange World (a book of line drawings and poems ala Shel Silverstein) that I often read to my kids before bed every night.  They frequently blame me and this book for any signs of dysfunction in our family (and we have many!), as the book contained poems about tapeworms, hickeys, and a wild assortment of off-the-wall subjects, including one poem featuring a recipe for underwear and dirty sock stew.

The other day I happened upon this heap of children's books and decided I'd share a few more of my line drawings from One Strange World.  This way people can see why my kids are so demented and may fully understand my parenting style.  Here's one I thought folks of any age might enjoy.  Hey, share it with your children!  You might want a warped family, too!

STOMACH ACHE

I don't feel so hot today.
I've got a stomach ache.
I had a tasty breakfast, too
As soon as I fell awake:
Twelve hard boiled eggs, a piece of toast,
A tall, thick chocolate shake,
A plate of grits and gravy
Like mother used to make,
A cantaloupe, a watermelon,
Fried biscuits and johnnycake,
A slice of ham with hash brown taters
Beside a T-bone steak,
Cranberry sauce, a glass of milk,
A bowl of sweet corn flakes,
A stack of toast in maple syrup,
A donut I didn't bake.
I ate it all in half an hour
(That's all I ever take)
But I don't want a shot for flu . . . 
Those hurt, for heaven's sake!
But I really have the symptoms,
I swear it's not a fake.
I only want to know the reason
I have a stomach ache.