From Poland, With Love

I spent several hours last night trying to learn Polish.  The reason:  I'd received (serendipitously) some Polish book reviews of my title, The Healing Touch, and I wondered what the book reviewers were saying about me.  I can't stand the thought of people talking about me behind my back, especially in Poland, and so I set out to accomplish some translation work. 

One of the reviews was listed on the Polish version of Amazon.com . . . a site called Wiadomosci.24.pl.  The only thing I can read accurately in the review is my own name.  Still, a portion of the review reads:  Dotknieci prez Boga recenzja ksajzki . . .

I hate to think it, but I have narrowed my translation down to three possibilities, none of them pretty.  I suspect this could mean:  "We suspect this guy used to be a Russian spy" or "Look at his author photo . . . doesn't he look like a Hoosier?" or "If you paid twenty Kroners for this book, you paid way the hell too much!!"

Let me address each of these possibilities in question and clear the air with the Polish people (whom I love and I hope they will buy my book in bulk).  No, I have never been a Russian spy . . . although I must confess I did peek in the girl's shower room in 7th grade because Billy Clump bet me a Snickers bar I couldn't spy on Marsha D. and sneak a peek.  I got caught by the gym teacher, Mr. Jones, and spent the day in the principal's gulag.  My spying days were over.

Yes, I do look like a dork, but all Hoosiers look this way . . . we are a rugged people here in Indiana, having to fend off snow and ice and an extremely high percentage of politicians.  Few of us have travelled outside the county of our births and we travel to Holiday World to get a tan.  This may explain our pasty complexions and our lack of zeal.  We would, however, be right at home in Poland.

I do hope you paid at least twenty Kroners for my book . . . most people who bought it in the U.S. purchased it at the remainder table at Half-Price Books for $1.36, meaning I got approximately 2.5 cents in royalty, which I plan to send, by the way, to the U.S. Embassy in Krakow as my token of goodwill and peace-building between our two great nations.

If, however, I have mistranslated any of these book reviews, I apologize.   My Polish is rusty and the only time I speak these tongues is when I am deep in the throes of passion with my wife.  So you see, I rarely speak the language.  One or twice a year, tops!

I do thank the reviewers of Poland for keeping my book on the shelves in the environs of Krakow and if any of you are ever passing through Brownsburg, please stop by my house.  You have an open invitation and I have a pool table in the basement.