My Health Scores

A few weeks ago I completed a battery of tests and "stress" challenges designed to give me my "health quotient" and my "true age" relative to my condition, outlook, habits and stresses in my life. The results surprised me in some places and humbled me in others. Here are a few things I learned about myself after taking these tests and getting my scores back from the doctor.

My "Physical Age" is 27 years old.

I have no idea what this means, exactly, but according to the stress tests designed to monitor my lungs, heart, stamina, and physical strength, I'm about half my age in terms of what I can still do physically (what I can lift, how long I can "go", how much my body can endure). As the doc told me, "There are few men your age who test with the aerobic capacity and stamina and strength you demonstrate." Well . . . okay. Didn't know I was in such a select group. I'll have to find out who the others are and we'll form a club called The Half-Wits.

My "Stress Age" is 38 years old.

Again, not sure what this means exactly, but the quizzes I took revealed I carry very little stress relative to the hours I work or the potential worries that I could be carrying. I guess I'm twelve years younger than where I should be in my "stress life". My secret? I just don't give a damn about anything. I've discovered this philosophy really cuts down on the stress in my life . . . I'm writing a book about it: I Don't Give a Damn . . . and You Can't Too!

My "True Age" is 35 years old.

I suppose this goes back to the old adage: you are as young as you feel. Well, I don't necessarily feel 35. In fact, I'd say I feel 84 some days and other days, like when my wife cooks dinner, I feel like I'm 21 and in love. I feel like I'm 14 when I'm eating licorice. I feel like I'm 18 when I'm wrestling with my son. I feel, oh, about 78 3/8 every morning after sleeping on my torn rotator cuff and popping twelve Advil a day to cut down on the pain. "True Age" is a relative term. Still, I've got a book in mind: Most Days I Feel Like a Rookie . . . and Today I Feel Like Bob Sanders or Brett Farve.

My "Sexual Age"?

I'm not going to reveal my scores here. My wife knows what they are. I remind her of my scores daily and while we are rubbing each other down with Ben Gay and popping Tylenol PM. You can ask her about the scores if you really must know. But be prepared: she's a good liar.