In an effort to make this blog more accessible to the masses, we here at the institute are now initiating the following rating system for this blog. Readers will know immediately, from glancing at the rating, how deep the do-do is before they read the blog. The following rating system will be used herein.
G [General Audience]
This rating will be given to those blog postings that I would have no trouble sharing with my ninety-year-old grandmother. Sure, grandma can't remember me now, although she still has the ability to make vivid sexual references that can make me blush . . . but by and large, the G rating is for kids of all ages and for teenagers who don't watch The Family Guy or who have yet to venture outside of their plastic bubbles.
PG [Parental Guidance Suggested]
The PG rating will be given to blog postings that might contain references to drugs like Advil, Aspirin, or any of the various so-called sexual performance drugs like caffeine, or any risque wallet photo images of the author's wife that have been taken by Olan Mills. Parents should use their own discretion before allowing a child under the age of 13 to read these blogs as these may contain references to certain banned books, National Geographic photos of the naked Pygmies of Bantu Besh, or any of a variety of literary allusions that the author dreams in his sleep.
TW [Totally Warped]
The Totally Warped rating is reserved for those blog postings that cause someone in your household scream, "He wrote that?!" These blog postings may also cause insomnia, or prompt you to call child protective services anonymously and say, "Were you aware that this guy still has a minor living in his home?" The TW rating might also contain references to one or more of the following disturbing subject matter: odd thoughts, cute-little sexual references that the author thinks are funny but which are not really, double-entendre essays, photos lifted from the author's honeymoon album, references to filthy lucre, poems that the author has written after midnight when he should be upstairs attempting to make love to his wife. A blog in this category will also receive the TW rating if it contains any reference to J. Edgar Hoover during his cross-dressing years, any political innuendo, or references to Ralph Nader or Ethel Kennedy. Parents should use extreme caution if this rating shows up, and should not even read this blog themselves, much less expose their progeny to this guy's lunacy. Likewise, these blogs should not be read by bishops, lumberjacks, or anyone who suffers from high blood pressure or heart palpitations. The author also reserves the right to edit the TW blog and can remove disturbing elements, thereby tossing that particular blog back into the PG category so it can be read by any girl who hasn't yet gone wild or by the author's sixteen year-old-son while he is drinking his vitamin-fortified chocolate milk.
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