Fan Spam

I'm not sure there is such a concept, but I'm coining the phrase, "Fan Spam", to describe a few voice messages that I've received lately. These messages are from folks who call to tell me they are enjoying a book, an article or an essay I've written. All of them come from people I don't know . . . and how they get my number, only God can say.

I don't want to denigrate the Fan Spam (in fact, some of them are quite touching) and I have no idea how to respond to the Fan Spam either. Most people don't leave a call back number, and my caller ID is broken right now (thank God!).

But a couple of the Fan Spam messages have been rather confessional. They come from people who seem to want to unburden themselves on a voice mail, and they relate their struggles and pain, often with tears. I'm not sure why some folks want to talk to a voice mail prompt, but it's amazing what people will confess.

But I'm worried, too. What if someone leaves a message that says, "Hey, good buddy, I just killed my wife and wanted you to know I stuffed her into freezer bags," or "Yeah, just called to tell you I really enjoyed your essay on pileated woodpeckers . . . I saw one the other day while I was making a new batch of meth!"

I mean, what happens then? Am I bound to keep a secret because of the pastor/voice mail confidentiality code that I signed back in seminary? Or do I call the police and say, "Hey, officer, I have a secret that I'm dying to tell someone. Bet you can't guess what it is? Let's play twenty questions!"

That's why I don't like voice mail. I'd rather stick with my tin cans.