Wedding Bell Blues

Over the past three weeks I've had my first bits of "fan mail" and "f-email" arriving since the publication of Your Beautiful Wedding on Any Budget . . . a book that has been selling at such a slow pace and with such a languid sales record, everyone involved in the publishing process, including this writer, has fallen into a severe depression. My editor has threatened to sue. I could have sold more copies of this book had I printed them at Kinkos on bright-red card stock, gone door-to-door, and asked, "Hey, you wudn't wanna buy my book wucha?"

Still, a few brides have purchased copies in those rare Barnes and Noble stores littered around the country that are still financially solvent, and a few have sent along their own questions. Questions like:

Mr. Alleycat,

My boyfriend and I really love each other (some people only say they love each other, but we really do, and I ain't just writing this to impress you) and we've been talking marriage. What is this marriage thing anyway? Can you explain it to me?

Sincerely,

Really in Love (and I'm serious here!)

Dear Really,

Really?
Mr. Alleycat

Mr. Book Writer,

I met Mr. Right on eHarmony last week. Only thing is, he's sort of engaged. Should I give up hope that this relationship will turn into something more than just a footnote on Facebook?

Yours truly,

Hope

Dear Hope,

It's hopeless.

Mr. Writer

See what I mean? I'm just no good at fan mail or f-email, or whatever they call it these days. Even when some woman sends me a photograph of herself with smudged lipstick on the back, I don't know what to say. I can barely handle my own wife. How am I supposed to help all of those other wife-wannabes out there?