Tour Guide

Recently we visited the King Tut display/tour at the Indianapolis Children's Museum. There was a great deal of information on this tour, and I'm always fascinated to see how a tour like this uses writers to lead visitors through the various displays. Everywhere we turned there were large placards with information like:

This room contains artifacts that were found in the antechamber of the tomb, with many gold objects and statues that influenced the king's migration into the next life and elevated his status to a god.

Well, now! Let me take you on a tour of my house. It's free. But at least my descriptions will give you some insights into how utterly boring my life is.

As you enter the Outcalt interior you will first note the cat puke stains on the cheap rug which was recently purchased at Target (40% off, a bargain that the king's first wife could not refuse). As you stroll into the great room, you will note the ceiling fan which no longer works and the thick profusion of dust on all the furnishings, indicating that this room is rarely used by humans. The dog, however, does sleep on the couch, and sometimes poops there, which is also indicative of these times, when humans clean up after animals and do their bidding.

As you enter the kitchen, please note the dirty dishes that fill the sink, half of which are used daily by the fifteen-year-old heir-to-the-throne who cannot clean up after himself. The fifteen glasses filled with orange juice residue are the product of the older child who is almost twenty and who must have her fill of Vitamin C.

Now, please round the corner into the living area, where we see the woman of the house reading a magazine and, perhaps, lighting a scented candle which she hopes will mask the cat litter box aroma. The king is just through the doorway in front of you, probably writing on a computer which was purchased during the reign of Amenhotep II.

Upstairs you will find the master bedroom where, every five or six months, mating rituals are performed between the king and queen. What happens in the other two bedrooms the king and queen would rather not think about.

Downstairs you will find an entertainment area where archaeologists have unearthed hundreds of pounds of aluminum pop cans and fossilized pretzel sticks under the sofa cushions, which the king sometimes snacks on during reruns of Andy Griffith. And please, feel free to make your way outside, onto the spacious grounds, where the weeds grow thicker than the garden vegetables and dank scents rise from the creek bed. Catch a crawdad if you like.

They are on the house.