The Greeting Card Conspiracy

Last week, a woman handed me a flier that contained a long list of holidays that, supposedly, would provoke me to purchase a greeting card. It's no lie, there is now a special day on all 365 days of the year, according to Hallmark.

But listen, I'm a rebel, and I'm not standing for this any longer, my friends. I double -dog-dare Hallmark (yes, YOU, Mr. Hallmark CEO) to publish a card like this one below. It's public. But naturally, it would be better if my wife didn't know about this blog entry.

Happy "Nothing" Day

I don't need a special day
To send a card to you.
That's why I write this greeting
To say, "Thanks for all you do."

The way you scour the dishes,
The way you sweep the floor,
Are cause enough to send this card
When I can't send any more.

I'd love to send you flowers, perhaps,
Or chocolates by the box,
But instead I'll just say, "Don't forget,
You need to wash my socks."

I'd like to send this card with love
Or write with flowery air,
But there's nothing here but honesty,
And frankly, I don't care.

Some guys send cards on birthdays
And some for sentiment,
But I'm just passing this along
In hopes you'll take the hint.

The cards most men might offer
Are dishonest, rote, or droll,
But I wrote this upon the can
Because you didn't replace the roll.

So have a happy "nothing" day,
And keep on working hard.
I hope you'll fix my dinner, though,
Before you read this card.