My Health Brochure

A few weeks ago I received a brochure in the mail regarding my new "health coach", a person who will be working with me over the next twelve months to whip my into shape. Every pastor in the conference was assigned a health coach, so we could reduce insurance costs and bring a better level of health to all concerned. And hey, I'm for it.

But after reading over the brochure, I was perplexed. The brochure listed stretching excercises that were suppossed to reduce stress and help osteoperosis (two things I don't think I've struggled with of late). It also listed a calorie-burning guide for walking, jogging, etc. Later, I received a phone call from my health coach in Houston, Texas (a nice lady) and a portion of the conversation went something like this:

Coach: How would you rate your overall health in comparison with your peers?

Me: Most of my peers are much older, almost decrepit, near death.

Coach: So, would you rate your health as being about the same, lower, or superior to most of your peers?

Me: Far superior, lady! I just benched pressed 250 pounds yesterday.

Coach: Oh, my. Do you use proper technique when you lift? Do you know how to work out with weights?

Me: Been doing it since I was thirteen years old. You know how old I am. Do the math.

Coach: So, what goal can we set today?

Me: How about I lose five pounds of this donut fat?

Coach: You have five pounds of donut fat?

Me: I eat donuts like they are my lifeline to heaven. I buy boxes of them and consume them in giant mounds along with gallons of milk.

Coach: So, what's say we lose that fat then? Maybe do some walking. Hiking.

Me: I walk or hike four times a week. I kayak. And don't forget how much energy it takes to lift a box of donuts. I burn dozens of calories just chewing.

Coach: ?

Me: Yeah, I'll lose the fat, baby.

Coach: (Pause) You're in the car aren't you? On your way to Dunkin' Donuts, right?

Me: Yes, but I'm jogging. How many calories is that?

Okay...so I elaborate...but you get the picture.