Earlier this week I received another phone call from my "health coach" in Houston, Texas. We've never met, but this wonderful lady is trying to whip me into shape from afar. She calls every month to ask motherly questions like:
"Are you eating your fruits and vegetables?"
"Are you exercising regularly?"
"Are you taking care of that gorgeous, well-shaped body of yours?"
Okay, so she didn't ask the latter question (not even my wife asks that one!) but my health coach does seem fixated on exercise and she is heavy into the nuts and berries. I do try to make my case for donuts being one of the major food groups, and I point out that a coconut frosted donut or a lemon-filled scone is, technically, a source of fruit . . . but she doesn't buy it.
"How about cinnamon swirls?" I ask. "Isn't cinnamon a herb? Doesn't is lower cholesterol?"
"Seems to me I read that somewhere,"I say, "like The New England Journal of Medicine."
"You read The New England Journal of Medicine?"
"It's like my second Bible. And aren't some pastries, like, say, blueberry-filled donuts and pecan bearclaws a major source of niacin and anti-oxidants?"
"Where did you read that?"
"Think it was on 60-Minutes last week. I mean, take a look at Andy Rooney. He scarfts donuts by the bag-full and he's a handsome man . . . if I can say that over the phone. He doesn't look a day over seventy."
"Look, Mr. Outcalt," she says, "you just stick to those bananas and apples, climb the stairs, and leave the diet to me. I'll guide you into the land of health and plenty."
I'm grateful for my health coach. Where would I be without her?