By now I've received about a dozen copies of the Indianapolis Star feature on my wife. Yes, it was an inspirational profile. I even put a copy under her pillow last night in hopes that it would inspire her.
But there are a few aspects of the feature that were left out, including how my wife really feels about me, her teaching, and her kids. Consider these expunged quotes:
On the Celebrity's husband:
Yeah, I've got a husband. I'm married . . . if you want to call it that. I mean, the guy is helpless. He'd starve to death if I didn't cook for him. You ever try to teach an old dog new tricks? Honey, you've got a lot to learn.
On the Celebrity's teaching:
Middle schoolers? How do I do it? Honey, you ever try to herd weasels? You ever try to teach a ferritt about ultraviolet light (or any mammal from the rodent family for that matter)? Being in the classroom is like trying to perform a labotomy on a headless chicken.
On the Celebrity's hiking experiences:
Yeah, I've hiked the canyon. My deadbeat husband stayed home and ate pork-n-beans straight from #10 cans for five consecutive days. Gained four pouds by the time I got back, mostly in his hips. I have to drag his butt out of bed just to get him to hike down to the mailbox to get the paper. We read the Star, by the way.
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