Inside of Me

I've finished three other books in the past two weeks, including this fine Biology book written by Neil Shurbin: Your Inner Fish: A Journey into the 3.5 Billion Year History of the Human Body. I try to read 2-3 biology books each year, and I really enjoyed learning more about what is inside of me. And I was convinced that Gatorade had a corner on my liver!






Speaking of what's inside of me: I did get my doctor's lab report and blood-work last week and learned that the bad cholestorol in my body is low (which is good) and that good cholesterol level is low (which is bad). Prescription for improvement: fish oil or OMEGA 3, and lots more nuts. The nuts won't be a problem, I am Mr. Nuts. But I also learned that my kidneys are putting out high levels of creatinine (a protein enzyme). Conversation:





Dr.: Can you explain these high levels of excess protein in your body?
Me: I eat a lot of protein. I drink 2-3 protein mixes a day.
Dr.: Anything else?
Me: I also take creatine. Should I stop taking this?
Dr.: I'll have to "Google it" and find out.






Wow, the Doc actually said he was going to Google with my health. He's going to rely on a Google search to learn if what's inside of me might be harming my body or creating a tumor the size of a softball . . . I'm going to Google, too, and see what I can find out about what's going on inside of ME! But it's probably just donuts.

Book Delivery

On Friday it came in the mail: a small box addressed to me. I knew what it was an opened it immediately. It was my author's copy of a book published by HCI (Health Communications, Inc.) entitled: The Ultimate Christmas.

Not much, really. But the book did contain two of my Christmas memoirs, both previously unpublished.

I'll consider this my first Christmas gift of the season (an early bird special). I did look at it briefly, I told my wife and daughter that the book had arrived, they feigned mock interest, and so I stashed it on the shelf . . . another book I've contributed to (I have roughly twenty of these contributors books on my shelves--in addition to my own titles--and some of these books actually have my name on the cover).

Oh, well . . . somebody, somewhere is going to read it, I guess. Or maybe it's too early to think about Christmas. But it will be there, staring blankly back and me, when it's ready to be opened.

Birthdays & Boss's Day

This past week I received a plethora of birthday cards, and the office staff at Calvary also pitched in Wed. with a boss's day celebration (who knew?). Of the various birthday cards I received this year, I particularly enjoyed this one from my mother-and-father in-law. It's one of those fill-in-the-blank cards that are becoming so popular these days.

When God made you he broke the mold
And never created another
That's half as witty as you are,
Or half the man (why bother?)

Some sons-in-law are shady,
And others filled with vice,
But you married Becky honorably,
Then got her knocked up (twice!).

You've filled our lives with laughter
And graced our days with mirth,
And as your salary has grown,
So has your considerable girth.

Didn't know you had it in you,
But we love you as you are
You're still firing on all pistons and
You've certainly passed our bar.

Oh, some like their sons with jelly,
And others with their jam,
But you saved our daughter, Sonny,
And you're sweeter than a ham.

To Becky you are everything,
Her warrior, lover, friend,
And you've showered her with kisses
And you're lovin' knows no end.

So have a happy birthday, Son!
(Oh, may we call you that?)
We've watched you grow from boy to man,
And you're really where it's at.


Of course, I did receive other cards, too. And I thank you for these! And thanks to the Calvary staff for recognizing my innumerable gifts on boss's day with their very special verse:

Some churches have their St. Terese,
And others have their Pope,
But we're the only church we know,
Who's leader is a dope.

Yes, some bosses may have intellect,
And others may have tact,
But thank God the rest of us are here,
To make up for what you've lacked.

Some day if God should call you home,
This office won't repair,
We'll just keep going day by day,
And never shed a tear.

We'll keep on makin' copies,
We'll keep on singin' songs,
And few will miss your sermons
Or the space your chair belongs.

We'll call the bishop, ask for "Joel",
He'll send us Mert or Billy,
And yes, we'd grieve a day or two,
But then feel rather silly.

So have a happy boss's day,
Put this card on the shelf!
And should you have a thought to share,
Please keep it to yourself.


One thing's for sure . . . birthdays and boss's day really builds a guy up. But, gee whiz, Wally, these cards do sure make a guy feel swell.

House Warming

As winter approaches, I thought it would be good to read a book about energy savings. So I read this baby. . . . Not a bad book, and I've already tried one of the energy-saving ideas. I wrapped my water heater in insulation and turned it down a notch. But this book just doesn't go far enough to save energy. So, here's the plan I'm implementing this winter.

First, I'm boarding up the house and our family will take up residence in the utility shed in the back yard. If we use a oil space heater and sleep under the lawn mower, we should be able to save big on energy costs. Living in the shed will also save us money on food, as there are several squirrels that have eaten through the roof and are nesting in the shed. They, along with the nuts and berries they squirreled away for winter. A double bonus! Meat and veggies! Finally, our family will do our part and cook over an open fire just like our primitive ancestors. I'm looking forward to the grunting, the non-communicative evenings, and pulling squirrel jerky. It's going to be an interesting winter, and I'm glad I had the opportunity to read this great book. I might even use it to start my first fire!

My Health Report

Mark Twain once wrote: "Beware of reading health reports . . . you could die of a misprint!"

Having just read my own heath report, I can believe it. My report shows that I have very low cholesterol, but not enough "good cholesterol". How can something be good and bad at the same time, or of two differing varieties? My report also shows that I'm putting out excess protein from my kidneys (so I guess I eat too much protein).

So . . . what am I supposed to do to be more healthy? "Eat more nuts," the report tells me. "Almonds, cashews, hazels. That's the good cholesterol." That, and stay off the protein supplements for awhile until I can complete another urine test.

I've got the plan worked out. Starting tomorrow I'm eating nothing but nut covered donuts. That should spike my good cholesterol count. I'll drink a couple of gallons of coffee, too. That will help me fill the little urine cup. According to my health plan, I am to write all this down and submit it to the insurance company.

I can't wait for them to read my plan. Somebody out there is going to flip. I might even get a call from the CEO of Dunkin' Donuts asking me to become their official spokesperson. Move over, Jared! I'm goin' nuts.

Rev! It Up

Last week I also wrote an article for a clergy magazine (how boring is that??) about leading through the tough times. Not that I know anything about that, really, but the editor seemed to consider me some kind of an expert. Of course, we all know the only true expertise I have is when it comes to telling the difference between a Krispy Kreme donut and some Wal-Mart knock-off or wanna-be.

Still . . . it's fun trying to write something that might contain an air of authority. I approach these kind of articles in much the same way I would approach trying to convince a fifteen-year-old boy that he should wash under his armpits. I arch my shoulders while I write, deepen my voice, and give the page a real whoopin'. I shout at the armpit ('er page) and tell the article that, if it doesn't shape up, I'm going to reach inside and pull out its liver with my bare hands.

But its tough writing as an authority. My wife always sticks her head into the office at midnight, bleary-eyed for lack of sleep, and asks, "What in the world are you yelling at?"

My Upcoming National TV Tour

Last night I received word from the marketing crew overseeing my upcoming book. They told me they are sending me on a national television tour to promote the book when it hits the shelves. (No kidding!)

Now, before anyone gets too excited and begins jumping out of the windows in tall buildings, I've got news (and lots of experience to draw upon here). I'd be shocked . . . no, more than shocked, well, actually I'd be dumbfounded and left speechless if anything along these lines actually transpired. What usually happens is this: the publisher prints the books and sends them out to the distributors and these distributors get the books into the bookstores. The books stay on the shelves for a month or two, and then are sent back to the publisher (where the author eats the cost of the return shipping and ends up losing money because he actually wrote a book). During the time the books are in the bookstores, the author is attempting to do book signings, speaking engagements, and appearances that might spike sales.

But national television exposure?

Okay, so in case I do get appear on The Today Show, here's what I envision will be my conversation with Matt Lauer. I'll start practicing.

Lauer: Todd 'ol Buddy, why did you write this book?
Me: To make money, Matt. To pay Ball State tuition. To buy a ham sandwich.
Lauer: So, what do you think of Studio 1-A in Rockefeller Plaza?
Me: It's much smaller than I imagined. And you're really short. Al, too.
Lauer: Thank you . . . now about your book. It's a dandy. I understand you've written others?
Me: I've lost count, Matt.
Lauer: What are their titles?
Me: I don't remember.
Lauer: Where can people buy this book?
Me: I'll buy extra copies and keep them in my garage next to the motor oil and silicone caulking. Call me for a copy . . . I'm in the phone book.
Lauer: Well, we thank you for coming on the show this morning and drinking our disgusting coffee. Do you like Starbucks?
Me: Yes, but there's a new Dunkin' Donuts moving in right down the street from my house. I'm gonna eat boxes of those things and write a book about the creme-filled ones. I'd love to come back and talk about it. When is Katie available?
Lauer: She's not here any more. Meridith took her place.
Me: Oh, she's the blonde over there? Hi Meridith!
Lauer: Thank you. Now, back to Al for the weather.