Wednesday, June 4, 2014

My Status Update

Status:  In a relationship.

Actually, I don't know the history nor the intent of the "status update" on social media sites, but based on the frequency that some folks change their status, I would ascertain that life's ultimate purpose has something to do with photo-shopping a selfie.  That, or the status change is a form of social commentary that screams to others:  "Boring!"

The latter must be true for me.  My status hasn't changed for more than three decades. 

For example, I am still in a relationship with my wife.  We will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary in August.  But this status is of no interest to any but our two children, whose very existence is due, in large part, to two of the five intimate moments my wife and I have shared in the past thirty years.  (I can't recall the other three, but I'm basing this intimacy stat on national averages.)

My status with certain publishers has also remained unchanged.  Most publishers don't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, since my books are only purchased by a small percentage of my relatives and by two librarians stationed at federal penitentiaries.  I also sold a book, once, to a dog--but it was only interested in using the book to mark its territory and most of the pages are yellowed and unreadable.

My career status has also remained unchanged, as has my wardrobe, including certain pairs of underwear that I keep for sentimental reasons.  (See above: "intimate moments".) 

I have also not changed my status as it pertains to my "likes".  I still like black licorice and coffee (have you tried this combo lately?) and I also continue to like fresh drinking water (lightly cubed) and any donut that has not been dropped on the floor.  I also like gyms with early morning hours, hardback books, and five hours of sleep.

I don't plan on changing my status any time soon . . . and quite frankly, I don't know how.  Once I establish my settings on any electronic device (including an old VCR that I still use) I quickly forget the passwords and/or where I hid the operator's manual.  This insures that I am incapable of changing my status.

This may also explain why my photograph never changes and why I do not plan to get a divorce.  My wife doesn't know where the passwords are either.  We watch out for each other in this way.  And we drift on through life with a mutual forgetfulness that is both comforting and alarming.    

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