Thursday, March 14, 2013

My Bid For Pope

Not being Catholic, I know that my name didn't come up often in the recent election for Pope, but I do want to thank all of you who voted for me.  Really, from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your faith in me and for believing that I would look good in red shoes.

I'm sure that there were many limiting factors in the various considerations on my behalf.  This blog, for example.  Had I been elected, I'm sure many would have raised eyebrows at my sense of humor and wondered:  "Can we really trust a Pope who eats black licorice?"

Other limiting factors for my papacy bid may also have included:

* A 29-year marriage to my first wife.
* Two children (which is a lengthy process that starts out small and ends in the writing of enormous college tuition checks).
* Being a Protestant pastor whose own bishop can barely tolerate him--though there have been rumors about a possible Catholic trade for some under-the-table cash for years.
* A steady diet of pinto beans.

I would point out that, although these factors were limiting, I would have brought a fresh approach to the papacy along with these pontifical strengths:

* I can deadlift, squat and bench press more than 250 pounds in each lift and this would come in handy for moving those large wooden chairs in the Sistine Chapel.
* My prayers and homilies are brief.
* I would bring fresh application to the church based on the old-world moralities evident in The Andy Griffith Show--which includes entire towns living in celibacy and getting a haircut each week.
* I would have assumed the name Pope Gomer I . . . which would have created a huge media stir and drawn new converts to the faith, including lots of celibate women named Thelma Lou and Helen.

As you can see, my negatives outweighed my positives and this is probably why I was voted "the most dangerous idiot in America" by more than half the voting Cardinals. 

Still, all-in-all, this was a great experience and if I had it to do over again I would still watch for the white smoke.  But in the end, I'm glad I won't have to leave my wife.  She still has some life left in her and we are leaving for Chicago after Easter.  What we will be doing in the Lover's Leap Motor Lodge up there is no one's business.

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