Thursday, March 21, 2013

Is Basketball Sexy?

I'm not sure why Americans go ape for college basketball in March, but I'm sure it has something to do with cheerleaders and men running around in shorts.  Football is more popular by far, and baseball is the American past time.  And basketball would be a forgotten game if not for Clark Kellogg.  His running commentary on the game corresponds very closely with the ageing marital relationship, and when I am watching a game, I often feel like I am having a conversation with my wife.

Me:  Honey, do you have any plans tonight? 
Clark:  This is going to be a key matchup!
Me: Wow!  That sounds exciting!
Clark:  There's a lot to look at when you take the clothes off this game!
Me:  I know, I know.  Let me finish this burrito and I'll give you a kiss.
Clark:  You can feel the excitement in this place tonight!  But preparation will be key!
Me:  Okay, let me light a fire then.
Clark:  Here are the key matchups to the game tonight.  
Me:  What are they?
Clark:  First, gotta squeeze the orange!
Me:  I think we're out.  Would a grapefuit do?
Clark:  Second, no turnovers.
Me:  We have no turnovers, either.  But we still have a box of poptarts!  Want one of those blueberry ones?
Clark:  Third, gotta go inside to the big fella!
Me:  Sounds kinda kinky.  Anything else?
Clark:  Crunch time . . . can't be any distractions.  As far as tonight goes, this is the whole season!
Me:  Hey, that's a lot of pressure for an old guy like me.  Are you forgetting about my bad back?  
Clark:  I know there's injuries, but at this point you've gotta play through pain. 
Me:  Well said, wanna hear a new poem?
Clark:  As the late John Wooden once said, you can't manipulate motivation.  You either bring it or you don't!
Me:  Okay, but what if you fall asleep like last time?
Clark:  No sleepers in the house tonight!  Just two rivals goin' at each other.
Me:  There you go again, jumping to conclusions . . . .
Clark:  And only one will be left standing at the end of the evening.
Me:  Listen, I've got to get up early.  You sure you want to do this?
Clark:  No one's backing out now!
Me:  Who's backing out?  Don't you have an early morning meeting, too?
Clark:  Eventually, someone's gonna give in, someone's gonna cave. 
Me: Okay, just let me set the alarm then.  Four a.m. okay? 
Clark:  This one may go double-overtime, these two are so evenly matched.  But someone will prevail, and then it's lights out.
Me:  Sounds good to me.  Goodnight then.
Clark:  This is what March Madness if all about! 
Me:  So, who's mad?  I'm just sayin' . . . . 
Clark:  This one will go down in the record books!
Me:  Don't hold a grudge.  We'll take this up in the morning.  
Clark:  Tomorrow you'll look back and realize this game was decided in the first five minutes when you couldn't score.
Me:  Goodnight.
Clark:  Until the next round.          

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